The dress was beautiful. A beauty I had never seen before, but always imagined existed. My breath escaped me for a brief moment as I gasped at the sight of it hanging on the wall, glowing like golden stars on a deep blue night. It flowed elegantly to the floor, an intricate pattern of lace weaving its way around the satiny purple fabric. The top was cut in v-neck fashion and delicately trimmed with white jewels, while the straps were thin and consisted of two ravishing velvet cords twisted together to resemble that of a rope. Never before had I seen a dress so perfect, so special. Perhaps this could be the solution to all of my problemsÖ
"Mom!" I called exuberantly. "I think I've found it. The one I have been looking for." I eagerly pointed to the hanging splendor when my mother finally arrived from the other side of the dress department. She looked tired and apathetic, but a shimmer of approval could be seen in her sharp blue eyes.
"It's gorgeous," my mother replied. "Is it what you want?"
"I've never wanted anything more," I answered dreamily. "I'll be like Cinderella at the ball. Maybe I'll even find myself a prince!"
My mother smiled warmly as she picked out a dress in my size. She handed it to me carefully, and we began to walk towards the cash register located in the middle of the crowded department. I touched the material gently, letting it slide through my fingers. The pale white walls had done it no justice; I preferred it much better in my hands. I could not wait to get home and try it on.
As we stood by the register, a tall, thin girl walked by, leaving a light but distinguishable scent of cucumber melon. I recognized her almost immediately, for it was Amy Renton, the most popular girl in school. I absent-mindedly followed her with my eyes, noticing all of the fine details and perfection she displayed. Long brown hair flowed to her waist, swaying triumphantly as she walked. Her clear complexion and creamy skin glistened with freshly applied makeup as she looked through the racks. I sighed in envy.
"Hey Amy," I called politely. Her hazel eyes turned slowly to face mine, squinting with confusion. She stared at me for a couple more seconds then abruptly turned away, a smug smile forming on her shiny pink lips. She must not have recognized me, I thought. After all, it's not like I associate with her often.
"Ready to go?" My mother asked.
"Sure am," I replied. We walked out of the store together and exited the shopping complex, anxious to get home after a long day of search. The drive took but ten minutes, for we lived in Gilmore, a town not far from the mall. Three years had passed since I had moved to Gilmore, at thirteen years of age. It was a small town, with not many places to go, and not many things to see. I had not exactly fit in with all the other kids attending Gilmore High School, for one reason or another, but was looking forward to the next social get together.
The Spring Fling was coming up in two weeks and was the most popular dance of the year. Almost the entire school attended and got fancied up for the occasion, hoping to score themselves a couple of popularity points. I was more interested in the fun I would have. I had always watched the television dramas and romantic teen movies where a young girl would go to a dance and take everyone's breath away. That is what I wanted to do, it had always been my dream. To dance with a handsome boy and be swept off my feet, to get together with all my girlfriends and sing "YMCA" at the top of my lungs. Now, about to attend my first real dance, I finally had the chance to experience what teen girls experience. I couldn't wait to live it all; it was going to be the best night ever.
I went to school the next day with thoughts of my fantastical reality of a dress still in my mind. I had tried it on the night before and absolutely loved the way it looked, the way it made me feel. Its beauty seemed to rub off and make me look beautiful as well. I felt like an angel just spreading her wings, realizing what a gift she was. Never before had I felt so good about myself.
I walked through the dreary halls, looking at my surroundings. The school was an old one that had not been renovated in recent years. It's brown walls and black lockers seemed to close in on everybody within its vicinity. Many times I felt suffocated walking through these halls, as if a giant was squeezing all the air out of me, sucking out all that mattered. The atmosphere was quite depressing, and at times I wondered why it seemed like I was the only one affected by its dismal ambience.
The other students walked by laughing and shouting to one another, playful obscenities hovering in the air. I watched them enjoying themselves, taking for granted the close circle of friends they had. For an instant I was jealous of what they possessed, the one thing I lacked, but it passed almost as quickly as it had come. I would make friends soon, they will realize what they are missing - at least that's what my mother always said.
I walked slowly down the hall towards my next class, pondering what reality really was. All of a sudden I was hit hard from behind, a strong shove to my back. I landed on my knees with a loud thud, my books flying through the air. The other students laughed and stared at my distress, none offering any form of assistance. A group of upperclassmen boys stood in a doorway and hollered animal noises at me, imitating my fall. I got up slowly and collected my strewn books with whatever dignity I had left.
Humiliation flushing my face, I hurried down the rest of the hall, entering the refuge of my classroom. A group of trendy girls were inside, explaining the unique dresses they had bought for the Spring Fling and how they were going to do their hair. They looked indifferently at me as I sat down, stifling a laugh. I ignored it, didn't care anymore. Everything was going to change at the dance, I could feel it. My life would have a happy ending just like in all the movies, all the dramas. It was the way it was supposed to be, the way it had to be.
The reflection in the mirror was like a fairytale. Never before had I seen myself look so stunning, so pleasing. I looked at the warm blue eyes staring back at me, delicately caressed by soft wisps of black liner. My pale complexion had color now, blasts of creamy pink going up my cheeks, glowing in the light. The contour of my lips had been outlined in a soft red and I puckered them, as if about to receive a kiss. The thrill of it made me smile.
I had gotten my hair done that morning, leaving school like all the other girls to make an early appointment. My usually flat, thin locks had been made into silky blond ringlets, and they fell about my shoulders with ease and precision. I shook my head back and forth to watch them sway, like Amy Renton would sway her hair. It was all too unreal.
I felt like a princess, floating atop the clouds, as happy as can be. My dress flowed lazily along the floor and I picked it up when I walked, as if I was royalty. I could not contain a smile every time I saw myself in the mirror, every time my mother took another picture. The dance was still an hour away and already this was the best night ever imaginable.
We left the house a half an hour later, my dad at the wheel. I carried my mother's elegant purse as an extra accessory and had filled it with all the things I had seen girls fill their purses with in the movies. I had makeup, breath mints, perfume, mirror, brush, and some extra cash, in case I was invited to go anywhere after the dance. My excitement was endless as we pulled into the driveway of the hotel where the formal was being held. Ready to experience my new life ahead of me, I kissed my father goodbye and stepped out.
Standing in the doorway of the ballroom, my mouth dropped in awe as I took in what was in front of me. The lights were low, and a huge disco ball hung from the middle of the ceiling, producing sparkling light around the crowd. Music was blaring from two main speakers at the front of the room where a DJ was taking requests. Already packed with Gilmore High students, the dance floor was large and shiny, freshly waxed for the occasion. The whole thing was breathtaking, and I was eager to join the fun.
To the right there was a table of light snacks and drinks, while to the left there were seating areas for those who did not wish to dance. I chose to enter the seating area and say hello to a few people. I walked slowly over to one of the chairs, still getting accustomed to the new heels I was wearing. Smiling at a couple next to me, I sat down.
Almost immediately I heard loud giggles coming from behind me.
"She's wearing your dress," a girl's voice said.
"I know!" said another. "I can't believe she would have the nerve to wear my dress, especially when she looks like that! I mean, I'm a size three, I make this look good. What is she, a size twenty?"
A stab of pain shot through my heart, the words tearing away at me. I turned around to see who was asserting such hostilities and saw Amy Renton standing there with a group of her friends. Amy Renton standing there in my dress, the one perfect for me. The one supposed to make me look like an angel, not her, no matter what size I was.
Noticing my questioning eyes now turned on them, another girl spoke up.
"Why did you even come here in the first place, Jennifer? You're too fat to dance, and it's not like anyone would want to dance with you either."
"Yea," said yet another chipping in. "And what's up with that make up? It's not made for fat cheeks and double chins like yours. It's made for faces like ours." She puckered her lips like I had done not an hour before, and I cringed at the sight. How could they be so mean to me? How could they flaunt what they knew I wanted so badly? Why can't they accept me the way I amÖ?
"Whatever," Amy remarked. "Let her sit here like the fat loser that she is. She's already a disgrace to me by wearing that dress, let her get what she deserves."
The crowd of girls walked away, leaving me to deal with my suffering alone. The power of the hit left me gasping for air, struggling to catch my breath. I closed my eyes, hoping the intolerable pain would go away. Yet it stayed with a vengeance, refusing to leave my body and rid me of my anguish.
The words continued to prick me again and again, like relentless needles. Salty tears came in waves down my cheeks and washed away the liner I thought contained my beauty. I couldn't escape. I didn't understand. This didn't happen in the movies. The girl always got a guy, always danced the last dance, always spent time with her close friends. Why was it happening this way now? Why was I being persecuted for being the way I was born to be?
Defeated, I stood up, my legs shaking beneath me. The night was ruined, there was no new beginning. Things didn't change; everyone was the same. They were all blind, conceited, destructiveÖand yet I was suffering. They were living their lives, while I was being punished for wanting to be beautiful, wanting to belong, wanting to be appreciated. The world didn't make sense.
I began to make my way towards the exit, wishing to free myself of all the evil these miserable teenagers intended.
"Watch for the whale!" I heard someone call out.
"The floor is shaking," said another.
"Hey fatty," a boy hollered, "Want to dance?"
I ran as fast as I could, the hurt raging within me, a rainstorm pouring down my face. Never again would I believe that I could actually be somebody respected, for it was a useless prospect. Never again would I believe in happy endings for there were no such things. Never again would I picture myself beautiful for it was not possible. They were all right. I was fat, and I was nobody, and I was worthless, and I was a disgrace, and I was a loserÖ
I was on the ground. I had tripped over my heels and sprawled to my misery. I sat there, crying, freeing myself of the waste inside. They all stared at me, watched my emotions taking over, not allowing my body to function. They saw what they did to me, what they caused. The destruction they had committed.
Slowly, a boy walked over to me and held out his hand. With deep sincerity glowing in his eyes, he spoke the words I had longed to hear all of my life.
"You look beautiful tonight Jennifer. Would you like to dance?"
I stared at him questioningly, sure that this was some kind of joke. They had corrupted me, what made them think I could accept their solace now? I turned away.
All the hurt I had ever felt in my entire life from being persecuted for my weight came back to me. All the tears I had ever cried flowed out of me. They did not deserve me; they would not have me. They had already done enough wrong to last me a lifetime and would affect me for as long as I lived. I would never let them have me again.
I stood up quietly, my distress now controlled. Saying goodbye to it all, I left, assuring them that their kindness would never be forgotten. Return to Asher Lev Page